Journal of Other Forum Analysis (Volume II, Issue 2)

[Jansen]

https://www.resetera.com/threads/my-therapist-ruined-my-mood-and-i-dont-know-where-can-i-go-this-time.1347766/

It will be a long thread but I guess I don't have anyone to talk now.



I've been seeing a therapist for quite some time now.



Since childhood, I've had to deal with feelings of inadequacy in many areas because I had a father who was success-oriented.



I had a really tough time in high school and couldn't study for the university entrance exam, so I had to go to a mediocre university in STEM field. This had such a negative impact on my mood that I couldn't study at college classes either, and my GPA was low. Somehow, I graduated and found a job. Years later, I had a really good job, but I felt very inadequate because of the university I graduated from. Neither my job nor my salary were enough for me.



So, instead of enrolling a second university, I decided to pursue a master's degree at a good university. Due to my undergraduate GPA, I couldn't get into a top-tier graduate program, but I was still accepted into a reputable university. I had a really great experience in graduate school. I consistently got the highest grades in my classes and graduated with an excellent master thesis. After that, because my advisor was a brilliant scientist, I continued on to a PhD at the same university, and this time I had the opportunity to work on international projects and publish articles on journals.



It seemed like I had achieved success in academic career after a rough undergraduate period, and I was at peace with myself.



My therapist didn't graduate from a prestigious school, but I think she's really successful. Frankly, that inspired me too. And that's why therapy became more meaningful to me. I overcome so many traumas of mine. I used to be reluctant to even meet my friends who graduated from good universities because my feelings of inadequacy were so strong around them. But I thought I had overcome that until last week's session.



Last week, I was really looking forward to my session. I'd had a great week. The session started, and my therapist asked me how my week had been. I started talking, and 10 minutes later, she suddenly mentioned another patient. She said that another patient of her is extremely smart and that she had a lot of faith in her potential, and that such a smart patient liked her therapy methods.



Frankly, I froze, and it was as if my father was standing in front of me, accusing me of failure and comparing me to someone else. Because my father used to talk a lot about other children's successes.



When I heard this, I went into defense mode. At that moment, I really lost it and said that I am so successful, that I had done so many projects, and that she was exaggerating about the person she was talking about. My therapist suddenly mentioned the school that her patient had graduated from and her score on the university entrance exam.



I couldn't pull myself together, and those words hit me so hard. All those academic publications, international projects, work experience, and graduate education suddenly seemed worthless, and I remembered how I felt years ago. How the school you attended for your bachelor's degree and the score you got on the university entrance exam were everything. You go to therapy, and even in your safe space, you feel uncomfortable.



The session ended somehow, and the my therapist treated the incident as completely normal and didn't make a big deal out of it. But I was in a terrible state after the session. I couldn't sleep that night. The next day, I had no appetite and couldn't eat. The idea that the patient she mentioned was superior to me and that no matter what I did, I could never be as good as her weighed heavily on me, and I felt great sadness.



The next day, I made another appointment with my therapist and wanted to have another therapy session for this sadness I was experiencing. When she saw my request, she texted me and asked how I was doing. I explained the situation to her, and she defended herself. She said she was her describing success of her patient because I was defending myself. She said it was normal and, of course, made many statements saying that the woman was not superior to me. We messaged for almost an hour, and finally, she said, "If it makes you feel better, that woman is currently unemployed."



Honestly, this made me feel better because when I was a child, my father would talk about other children's successes, and hearing that they had failed an exam somehow comforted me. I felt the exact same emotions.



My therapist said that the woman is much older than me, that we weren't in the same period, and that she only said her patient was smart to give an example about the effect of therapy.



Frankly, I would have been happier if she had just focused on me and not brought other people into it. Now I'm wondering if she's using what I say to comfort others.



For the first time in my life, my therapy triggered a trauma. I've been trying to get over this issue for so many years, and now I feel terrible. I feel worthless and can't focus on anything I do.



I know it's a long post, but I'm really depressed. I know I can go to another therapist but after so many sessions I don't know if I can do that because she knows much about me at it was really helpful before the last session.