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6 Toxic Phrase You Shouldn't Say To Your Grandkids

Sometimes, unintentional or even well-meaning comments from grandma and grandpa can “create an environment where grandkids feel uncomfortable or insecure,” Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist and president of A New Day Pediatric Psychology in San Antonio, told HuffPost.

That’s why it’s important to be more mindful about how we communicate with our grandkids not just during this time but all year round.

“It can be hard to change the way you say things but it’s important to be intentional with your words, and be aware of how much words can impact the way your grandkids think and feel about themselves and their relationship with you,” Lockhart said.

We asked Lockhart and other experts which common phrases are best avoided and what to say instead.

1. “Don’t tell your parents ... ”

Maybe it’s sneaking your grandkids an extra cookie (or two) behind their parents’ back, or letting them stay up past their bedtime and whispering, “It’ll be our little secret.” Any time you’re encouraging your grandkids to keep something from their parents it can be harmful, Atlanta clinical psychologist Zainab Delawalla told HuffPost.

“It undercuts parental authority, which can have long-standing consequences,” she said. “Furthermore, it models for kids that they might find themselves in situations where it’s in their ‘best interest’ not to tell their parents. This can be especially dangerous if a child is being groomed by a predator or feels bad about themselves for getting bullied.”

2. “You’re getting so big! Have you put on weight?”

Comments about a child’s body or weight are a “huge no,” Lockhart said, as they can contribute to body image and self-esteem issues.

Dorn also told HuffPost that any remarks or comparisons about physical appearance can be problematic. This includes things like: “Have you lost weight?” or “Wow, you’re so much taller than your brother now!”

“The issue with comments about physical appearance or comparisons to others is that they place an increased focus on the importance of external features over internal traits,” she said.

3. “Wow, you ate more than I did!”

Any comments about your grandkids’ food intake — “You eat so fast,” “You’re a member of the clean plate club,” “Looks like you haven’t touched a thing on your plate” — are best kept to yourself.

“Learning about food and hunger cues is an important developmental step in childhood,” Dorn said. “Comments about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ eating habits can influence children to adjust their eating behavior in reaction to another person’s comments or perspective, rather than following the signals their body is sending them. It may also trigger feelings of shame or confusion in the moment or over time.”

4. “You’re so spoiled.”

When you see your grandchild acting ungratefully while opening a mountain of presents or throwing a fit because they didn’t get their way, you might be inclined to make a comment about how spoiled they are.

If this kind of behavior is happening pretty consistently, it probably has less to do with the kid and more to do with the way they’ve been parented.

As Ryan Howes, a clinical psychologist from Pasadena, California, told HuffPost: “If they are acting entitled and ungrateful, this may be a behavior they learned or saw modeled for them, maybe even something that was reinforced by their parents. So giving them all the blame isn’t fair. Suck it up or talk with the parents, but keep the judgment to yourself.”

5. “You better come over here and give me a hug or a kiss!”

As a grandparent, it’s natural to want to connect with your grandchildren in this way, especially when you’re so excited to see them. However, many kids may not feel comfortable giving hugs and kisses on demand, and it’s important for the adults in their lives to respect this.

“While this phrase is likely filled with love and a completely normal desire to foster closeness and connection with a child, it can also unintentionally take away a child’s right to autonomy and pressure them to abandon and second-guess their body boundaries,” Dorn said. “This can send confusing messages about consent.”

6. “Your parents are wrong about ... ”

Parenting styles and best practices change over time. You may have raised your children in a different way than your adult children are now raising their own kids.

“Of course, grandparents grew up in a different era with different customs and norms, and it’s natural to want to comment on the differences,” Howes said. “There’s nothing inherently wrong with pointing out these distinctions, but it’s very easy for those comments to come across as shaming. By shaming, I mean declaring that one way was right and another is wrong, and that there is something wrong with the grandchild or their parents.”

Generally speaking, it’s best to keep those comments to yourself unless you see “significant blindspots or areas that could potentially be harmful for the child,” Howes said. “Even then, it’s best to take concerns to the parents instead of the grandchild.”

As a grandchild myself, I'm glad to finally be seen as the victim that I am.