Kulturkampf

[benji]

It’s actually kind of scary, just like it’s scary that there’s been so much Ken love from audiences because he’s just so harmless and affable (also an adjective used to describe my abuser) — until he’s not.

Those most critical of “Barbie” are right-wing men who accuse the film of being too “woke,” whereas I’m arguing we’re not woke enough if we’re not cringing during Barbie’s apology to and caretaking of Ken.

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“Ken’s the real villain of the film,” my husband concluded. Yes. And the feminist utopia that audiences are looking for appears at the beginning of the movie, when Barbie feels no compunction at telling Ken she’d like him to leave — and when he just does.

In the end, I’m glad that “Barbie” exists. The film has helped me both to understand and to communicate my most traumatic and confusing experience to my husband, a man who is even more of a feminist advocate than — and as rare as — Michael Cera’s Allan. I wish there were multiples of Allan, who actively helps overthrow Kendom in Barbie Land because he recognizes its toxicity. And I wish that Barbie’s apology to Ken felt as uncomfortable to them in the film, and to real-life audiences, as it did to my husband.

Here is the truth: I would not have been able to heal from my experience as quickly as I did without my husband’s solid, gentle support. When I told him about the abuse, he listened. He also urged me to get a therapist — “someone who you can tell everything to,” he said, knowing that my affection for and fear of hurting him would cause me to hold back. I felt vulnerable in a scary situation, and he never once made it about him or his ego. And he read books like “The Body Keeps the Score” to help himself (and me) understand why I was exhibiting physical symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome.

It’s this work, a year of listening and perspective-taking, that caused the discomfort he experienced while watching “Barbie” — and this discomfort is the transformative power capable of making the best Allans out of the worst Kens. Note to Greta Gerwig: That’s the sequel I’d most like to see.

Colette Foy (a pseudonym to protect the privacy of the author) is an educator, writer and traveler. She’s lived in the same state her whole life but frequently leaves it to adventure with her husband or visit her sister, often on a train.